do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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