Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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