I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
