I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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