I'm eating all of the evidence.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize