Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
