When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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