listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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