I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
