Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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