Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
They have beer where we have blood.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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