If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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