if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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