her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He has the fingertips of a God
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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