ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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