in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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