I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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