Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there was a trapeze. enough said
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
