Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
