I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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