I puked a lego.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
