they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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