Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
