We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
