The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
