her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
