my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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