She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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