Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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