Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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