Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
