farters have to be the big spoon...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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