i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
