my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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