One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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