she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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