Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize