I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
