I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
