it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
