I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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