Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
