I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
