Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
