I think my vagina is haunted
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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