if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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