i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
