Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
