there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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