I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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