he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
