her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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