he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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