it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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