just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
