I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize