Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
